Guiding the Husband Through Chastity as a Keyholder

My husband and I have chosen to embrace full-time chastity. We’ve been married for twelve years, and until now, our relationship was heavily male-led. We have signed a preliminary agreement and are waiting for the new device to arrive. Most of this initial contract focuses on him avoiding things that annoy me, serving as a guide for his training. I feel like being petty when correcting him constantly, but if he wants to be in chastity, he must follow my rules. I am getting very tired of all this enforcement work. I hope the dynamic changes once he actually wears the device because right now I keep seeing a non-submissive side emerging from him. If anyone has comments or has walked this path before, I would appreciate any advice you can share. Thanks for your input!

My wife is transitioning from submissive to dominant. We didn't use a contract because we prefer to talk and adjust as things happen along the way. However, contracts can help establish the basics upfront rather than figuring them out over time like we have done. My wife still struggles with being dominant and correcting my mistakes when I perform assigned tasks incorrectly or not to her liking. At one point, just like you mentioned, she said it was exhausting constantly correcting me. We found a solution: Domestic Discipline. I bought her a paddle, so now when she is unhappy, she paddles my behind until I am squirming and slightly bruised. This happens in a non-sexual setting and really hurts. Pain is a very effective training tool, even if it's somewhat looked down upon these days. Our military still uses pain to train troops by punishing bad behavior with pushups, long runs, and other things that sting after a while. I told my wife that I respond best to painful punishment because that’s what I experienced as a kid and in the Army. Since she started disciplining me physically, I have been much better at doing tasks correctly and treating her well. After the first two sessions, there hasn't been any need for more. This works for us, though it might not work for you. My wife went from hating to hurting anyone to enjoying making my butt so sore that sitting down becomes uncomfortable.:) One word of caution from someone who has been through this: Beware of your husband topping from the bottom. I like being sexually submissive, and my wife was also submissive initially. I got into a lot of kinky stuff that she would go along with, but in fact, I was still in charge, telling her what to do. Outside the bedroom, I remained the boss. This made it impossible for her to realize her dominant side. It wasn't until we entered into a wife-led marriage where I became the submissive partner in our relationship that she started growing into the dominant woman she is now. At first, I kept my old dominant self and would still tell her how to drive, where to park, and what to do. I was sending mixed signals. I asked her to be dominant, but I wasn't being very submissive unless it pleased me to be so. I guess what I am saying is that a lot of dominant men are sexually submissive, but when the topic isn't their fetish or sex itself, they remain dominant in other areas. Chastity play requires some level of control or dominance in your day-to-day relationship since it extends beyond the bedroom door. It's hard to deal with a husband who is only submissive in the bedroom, contract or no contract. I have two suggestions for you: - Whenever your husband breaks the contract, just tell him that chastity was his idea and he went along with it to please himself (or her). If he doesn't want to abide by the signed contract, he can have the keys back. That strategy worked effectively for my wife and still does. - Research a wife-led marriage which seems like what you are attempting right now. We didn’t find that chastity worked unless I was willing to be submissive to my wife not only in the bedroom but in our overall relationship too. It doesn't mean you have to become a dominatrix and wear high-heeled boots, although you can if you want. At its core, a wife-led marriage just means that the wife has the final say. In our case, my wife runs all things related to the household, finances, and sex. What is left over is mine to do with as I please, like going out with friends. That’s all the advice I can offer. Just because it worked for us doesn’t mean it will work for you. Where we are now: my wife has become much more dominant but expressed fears of becoming a b*tch. I assured her that I enjoyed being dominated by her and that being dominant is far from being a b*tch. I told her if I ever felt she was going too far, I would let her know, which seemed to work for her. We also started with me locked up 24/7, but it wasn't very comfortable at times; urinating and cleaning up afterwards became a pain. At this time, I am only locked when I am home and my wife is not with me. I get released before bed. Since I’m retired, I am with my wife most of the time, so once the initial excitement wears off, there’s no sense in keeping me locked up when there’s no reason for it. Go slow. Start by asking for foot massages and little things like getting you something to drink or eat throughout your time together. Stop asking him what he wants to watch on TV and just watch what you want. Gradually take more control and observe his reaction. If he resists, hand him the keys and tell him that if he doesn’t want to follow the rules, it won’t work for you. After all, no matter what men say, everyone practices chastity because they want to.:)

Hey KH jetz, My advice is to listen to Sub-Hub; I agree with every word he said. I've stumbled across several of his posts, and we seem to have similar chastity lifestyle beliefs. Great news for two people living on opposite sides of the great pond. But recognize that everyone IS different, and you need to develop any ideas to match your own needs. A man's desire to be dominated or kept in chastity normally comes from his experience of previously being dominant or holding a position of authority himself (though not always). I am also retired, which gives me more time to attend to my Princess's needs. I too tried topping from the bottom in the early days, and my Princess just threatened to give me the keys back if I didn't do as told. She also gives me occasional training and punishment sessions when she thinks my performance isn't good enough. I'm restrained face down on the bed, and she uses her leather belts to warm up and redden my butt before applying her chosen number of hard strokes with a rattan cane. Again, as Sub-Hub said, it has to be beyond his pain threshold for it to be truly effective. For example: He has to come out the other end wanting to avoid that punishment in future. You shouldn't use this authority unfairly, but you should use it to get whatever you want within his means. Just for info, unlike Sub-Hub, I am locked 24/7 and not even allowed to touch myself during infrequent hygiene releases when I edge just to heighten my frustration and attentiveness to my Princess's needs. Be confident and authoritative. Talk to each other and tell him what YOU want from it all! Best of luck!

Hi KH jetzs, Sub_Hub and ChrissysProperty provided great advice, so I just want to add a couple of points. As with all advice, your mileage may vary. Both guys recommended corporal punishment for correcting errant behavior. While I'd be willing to explore that with MyBride, it would be a tough sell there. MyBride is not into kinky things in general—it has always been a stretch for her—so the deal regarding chastity and the purchase of a cage was that the cage would be our one and only BDSM toy. For us, errant behavior is corrected by the device; it remains locked on. She'll tell me, "I was going to unlock you tonight, but because of xxxx you haven't earned it." After a couple of weeks when I'm clawing at the cage, that definitely gets my attention. So I don't believe corporal punishment is necessary for us; use it if and as it works in your relationship. Also, one thing we tried that did not work for us was establishing a release calendar, whether through drawing cards, rolling dice, spinning wheels, or other methods, with time increased or reduced based on behavior. To some extent, I believe this promotes topping from the bottom ("I'll be bad so she’ll extend my time"), it constrains the KH ("I really want PIV sex, but it isn't time to unlock him yet"), and there is too much bookkeeping involved ("tomorrow is the release date, except we subtracted 2 days here, added 3 days there"). We evolved to "She decides," which is far simpler. Given our experience, I would recommend staying away from a release calendar and sticking with the "She decides" method. I wish you the best as you establish and evolve the framework for your chastity relationship!

Thanks so much for your replies! This has helped me gain some perspective on the situation. Initially, I opted for a contract because of the roles that are switching. I didn't want any misunderstandings about what was allowed and what wasn’t. My husband doesn’t really see the need for a contract, and without one, he may do whatever he wants and claim he is trying to follow my directions. The other day he said "old habits die hard." "That maybe true but you know what's expected of you and you have free will" was my response. He says he isn't topping from the bottom, but he hasn't convinced me yet. If he is doing it, I'm not sure that he realizes it either. I have to go for now but will finish this post later on. Thank you for all your responses!

Just a quick comment. My wife never wanted to hurt me in any way and would have one of her girlfriends do that instead. When we started T&D and Chastity play, I asked her at least give corporal punishment a try, promising I would utter my safe word if she hurt me too much. She tried it and was horrified when she saw the bruises she made, saying she will never do it again. OK then. Fast forward to a few months into our wife-led marriage and chastity play: she came into my man cave with a paddle in her hand to tell me that I needed punishment because I forgot to take the trash out for the third time in a row. She paddled me good, leaving welts as well as bruises. She said she got aroused doing it now and is beginning to enjoy being dominant and getting pleasure from it. Things can change rapidly once both parties accept their new roles in the relationship. Now she owns a brand-new paddle that has never been used by another woman on me, and it serves enough of a threat to keep me on the straight and narrow.