LockedandLoved Returning to Where It All Began Once More

I’m trying to recount my chastity journey here, from the moment I stumbled upon this lifestyle up until now. I won’t burden you with every tiny detail since most of them aren’t that crucial. My lovely KH and GF, MK, has prompted me to put my thoughts down on paper. She likely has a few motives for asking, but so do I; I want to share my perspective on chastity and how it fits into my relationship with MK.

Let’s start with the basics! I’m a man in his mid-40s. I hold a couple of degrees that I haven’t quite maximized yet. My marital history includes two divorces, plus one current marriage to be precise (or rather, past marriages). For at least two decades, I’ve struggled with pornography addiction. Between encounters with real women, my sexual routine has largely revolved around porn, masturbation, and orgasm—what we call PMO. This constant cycle of PMO has brought nothing but downsides to my career, my drive, my marriages, and essentially my entire life. Since discovering masturbation at age 12, I’ve racked up an estimated 5000 orgasms, though honestly, most of them felt pretty hollow. Put simply: I’m a sex addict hooked on both porn and masturbation.

About three years ago, I “discovered” male chastity. To be fair, I was just looking for another kink to use as fuel for my masturbation habits. That’s the core issue with porn addiction once your brain rewires those neural pathways; you need that steady stream of dopamine hits. Often, the usual stimulation isn’t enough anymore, so you hunt around for new and varied ways to get high. For me, this meant exploring different types of porn content. I constantly needed fresh kinks to satisfy my cravings. I’ve probably watched every genre of porn available (though note: I never have, and will not ever, watch child pornography because it feels morally and legally wrong). Initially, chastity was just another box on my checklist for porn-related interests. I’d read about it, look at pictures, watch videos, jerk off, rinse, and repeat.

Eventually, I found the community here. While I always enjoyed watching porn—I’ve seen thousands of clips or full films—I also loved reading stories. Reading allows you to build the scene in your mind, and as any porn addict knows, that mental image is often more potent than what’s on screen.

For some reason, I started reading posts from people actually living in chastity rather than just fiction. I recall thinking: if these fictional stories were making me so hot under the collar, real-life accounts must be even better! These men, mostly locked up themselves, were living out my exact fantasy. They had women controlling them to varying degrees through chastity. Wow!! Stories coming alive.

I knew immediately that I wanted to bring chastity into my own life. It seemed perfect. I’d be living the dream, always wearing some form of device—a constant reminder of kink in action. But there were two hurdles with this mindset.

First, at the time, I was in a relationship that wasn’t quite right for embracing chastity fully. I won’t digress into too much detail; it just wasn’t the ideal situation. The second problem was realizing that male chastity isn’t just about kink. As I read more accounts from forum members, I realized chastity could be a fun hobby but also a potential solution to my biggest issue: PMO. I knew porn and masturbation were harming me, yet I couldn’t break the cycle. Maybe if someone else held control over my penis, it would help.

Fast forward a couple of years… My previous relationship ended after seven years with little more than aging as its tangible result. Then I met my current girlfriend, MK. We had fun going out together. One date turned into two, then three. Eventually, we slept together and it was wonderful. Even though things started strong, I knew I needed to tell her about my specific struggles, particularly PMO.

Admitting you’re a sex addict early in dating isn’t easy. My initial fear was that she’d just walk away. She might give up on me since I had mostly given up on myself by then. Honestly, I wouldn’t have blamed her. Why put yourself through it? However, I also knew everyone around my age has baggage; I wasn’t sure if MK was ready or able to handle mine.

So we talked. I spilled everything—well, most of it. I explained PMO, my past marriages, the kink aspect, and all the wonderful yet terrible things I’d done over the years. I told her I needed kink in my relationships but had been denying that fact for too long. She sat there listening intently, eyes wide awake. I wished I could have seen inside her head during those moments to experience the conversation from her perspective. Still, she didn’t leave. She just absorbed it all.

Interestingly, what I mostly left out of that discussion was chastity itself. Looking back now, it’s amusing because at the time, I portrayed myself as someone who wanted to dominate my partner. I said I liked restraining my mate and having my way with her. The irony? It was actually I who wanted those things most. I needed a dominant woman who could take charge of what had been controlling me—PMO.

She listened well, asked questions eventually, and I watched her closely, realizing she was different. Special. She heard this huge revelation from someone she barely knew and took it in stride. I think I intrigued her. It felt like hearing about a world she knew existed but hadn’t experienced yet. She wanted to know more.

From that night on, we began weaving kink into our relationship. At first, I acted as the dominant one, but slowly—almost imperceptibly—I encouraged and supported her exploring her own dominance. Chastity came up eventually. I showed her a Jailbird cage I’d bought some time ago hoping to find the right partner for it. She was interested in learning more, so I bombarded her with an avalanche of links, websites, pictures, videos, etc. It was overwhelming.

I let MK know that I wanted her to lock me up and control the key. She didn’t fully grasp what this entailed (neither did I at that point), but she was game. YES!! I had found someone willing to play with me. I was overjoyed, though that happiness didn’t last long.

The sheer amount of attention I was pouring into chastity exceeded what MK could handle. Every week, sometimes every day, we were tweaking the “rules” of our arrangement. I gave her little room to grow and learn as a keyholder while I constantly thought about how to slip out of the JB or even pick the lock myself. After all, if I couldn’t masturbate around it anyway, what was the point? I was a totally clueless noob!

Predictably, this first attempt at chastity failed. The volume of attention and the shifting rules caused everything to collapse under pressure. It failed. I had failed. MK was upset, and I was depressed. Why couldn’t I get it right? Where did things go sideways?

We put away the chastity gear—the JB came off—and returned to our normal (whatever that means) sex life. I went back to occasional PMO sessions as well. Our relationship declined, coming close to ending at one point. It was just the same stupid cycle I’d lived my whole life.

Fortunately, we didn’t split up. MK and I had a long conversation about many things. We realized how much love we still held for each other and allowed other issues to interfere without breaking us completely. We eventually moved in together, and life changed again.

A few months passed, and for some reason, we decided to try chastity once more.

“I’m fairly certain I was locked before, but it felt incredibly stressful. There were moments when I nearly had a full orgasm while away from home, marking yet another failure in my chastity journey.

Our second attempt concluded back in the autumn of 2014. MK removed the JB and stopped keeping the key herself. This left me free again, and old habits slowly crept back into our lives. Our sexual relationship suffered as expected regarding frequency, intensity, and intimacy. PMO has a nasty tendency to make you crave it more than your partner. I had become a poor lover and an even worse boyfriend. MK deserved better.

It became clear that the methods we used previously for chastity and PMO were destined to fail, so a new strategy was necessary. Losing MK was not an option; she meant everything to me. Having her in my life felt like luck on my side, and I wanted to give her my best effort. All I needed to do was find a way to overcome these personal struggles.

I started researching ways to enhance our lives together. Any solution had to tackle both PMO and our sex life while remaining simple, understandable, easy to implement, and effective. It also needed to benefit the relationship beyond just the bedroom.

I discovered a website featuring a set of principles called The Ten. These were statements reflecting how I viewed my partner and what I committed to doing daily to improve our shared life. I saw potential immediately and shared them with MK.

She approved, suggesting we gather each morning for me to read through the list. To reinforce this ritual, MK would swat my bottom after every statement. This allowed her active participation in enforcing dominance while illustrating our mutual commitments: I committed to improving myself via The Ten, and she committed to ensuring I met those goals. The aim was happiness for both of us, establishing a system of accountability and authority over ten weeks.

I’ll share the full list later in this post. The Ten provided a strong foundation but weren’t an end goal themselves; they needed action. So, I created a chore schedule with daily and weekly tasks. We met each day to verify completion. Missed items resulted in demerits, which MK tallied at week’s end to determine appropriate punishment. A section for bad behaviors allowed her to add more demerits if necessary. It was up to me to track the list and report my progress.

With The Ten and our chore list, we felt significant improvements were on the horizon regarding our relationship. However, one topic remained unaddressed: chastity—the proverbial elephant in the room.

My feelings toward chastity were mixed. It symbolized many concepts to me but also represented wasted energy and past failures. I was somewhat annoyed by my lack of full understanding yet recognized that the JB deterred masturbation effectively. MK knew this well, so it had to be part of our plan.

During early discussions about The Ten, MK brought up the JB again, asking for my input. I told her she could decide; I would accept whatever choice suited her best. Intuitively, I thought I knew what she’d choose, but I realized ultimately that I can’t control myself regarding erections and ejaculation. Giving it to her felt liberating.

MK announced the JB was back in play. She confirmed I’d wear it during the day when she’s away (since I work from home) and asked for my thoughts on other times. MK listens genuinely, so I was completely honest: I wanted freedom during walks and sports because the device is uncomfortable during athletic activity. I also admitted that sleeping with it doesn’t suit me well yet, though nighttime erections may eventually stop being an issue based on research. Ultimately, she decides if/when to release me; I’ll communicate any hygiene or medical needs.

Orgasms were discussed too. While I have many opinions here, the core idea is that control must shift to her regarding when I climax. I’m content with whatever decision she makes (more details in a future post). The key takeaway: giving her control means trusting her rules because they won’t fail me.

MK seemed pleased with our discussions, and so am I. I am fully dedicated to her happiness. Recognizing that some aspects of my life shouldn’t be left entirely up to me has brought gratitude; MK taking charge feels right. She deserves immense credit for all she does and continues doing for me—she is truly my world.

That’s where things stand now. More posts will follow, but I needed to express these thoughts clearly. The future looks exciting again after a long wait, largely thanks to MK refusing to give up on me. Hopefully, I can grow into the great man she deserves. For now, I remain by her side and at her feet, striving for her happiness. Locked and loved.

THE TEN (One spank delivered after each statement. To be read in descending order)

1. I love MK with all my heart and soul
2. I honor MK in all that I do and in all my actions
3. I obey MK in all cases and follow her lead and instructions in all matters
4. I accept and embrace MK as the loving, controlling power and authority in our relationship
5. I accept responsibility for awareness and anticipation of MK needs and demands, meeting them before she asks.
6. I accept my role and my responsibility in maintaining the domestic bliss in MK’s household.
7. I pledge daily to work to form new habits and behaviors that are more pleasing to MK
8. I recognize that PMO is not constructive for MK or me and must be eliminated
9. I freely give up all sexual freedom and ownership of my body to MK for her to do with as she wishes
10. I will strive to improve my physical, spiritual, emotional and financial health for MK

This post holds all my thoughts on this specific part of my life with MK. If you haven't read my first post explaining how we reached this point, I suggest checking it out first. It is titled Back to the Start. As you might already know, I struggle with PMO: Porn, Masturbation, and orgasm. These three forces have dominated my life for nearly two decades. Until now, I had very little control over them. The issue for me has never really been orgasms themselves. It's always been that I do so much of it, primarily in conjunction with pornography. Porn pushed out meaningful relationships. It became my wife, my girlfriend, my everything! I don't speak for MK, but I suspect if she is like most women, she sees an orgasm as a sign that I have enjoyed myself well during sex with her. It’s a visual signal that I reached a climax, the peak of pleasure. Women are told this is one of the goals of sex and you need look no further than the magazine aisle in a local supermarket. Row after row of women's magazines telling us how to satisfy our man primarily through orgasm. What nonsense!! I am just like any other man. When I orgasm, I experience the same chemical releases and subsequent hormone drop as every guy does. This drop makes me lethargic, lazy, complacent, and worst of all, disinterested in MK. I have been sated and there is no need for her for a while. This is how men are programmed. It’s easy to see how orgasming daily via porn wouldn’t leave much room for MK. I also think on some level MK has felt guilty if I don't orgasm. Perhaps she feels somewhat like a failure, as if her primary goal during sex was solely to make me orgasm. I have evolved! Having an orgasm is not that great. It’s the immense feelings that come right before the orgasm that make it so awesome. Those moments when desire is just building to a point where I don’t think I can take it anymore. The build up is what feels so amazing. The orgasm itself is like that last tiny bite of a chocolate chip cookie. Once it’s gone, it's over. Finished. Recently, I told MK that 95% of the time I love the denial of orgasm. I love the feeling of building towards something that doesn’t happen. My desire breaks back down and then peaks again before the cycle is repeated. It just goes on and on. This seemingly never ending wave of buildup and denial is really powerful. It can go on for some time and often transports me to a sort of heady subspace. The other 5% of the time, what drives me is the idea of just blasting every milliliter of cum I have inside her, on her, near her…you name it! It’s almost as if I want her to see the visual representation of what she caused. I want her approval of her man showing her what only a man can show her. I just want to push my very essence inside of her almost like some sort of primitive dog marking his territory, letting her know that she is mine. Together both of these forces feed off each other in my brain. They are in a constant tug of war that keeps me amped up as long as I have hope. Hope of an orgasm is important for me. I let MK know that if I had no hope of an orgasm ever again, I think I would lose some of the immense sexual energy I feel around her. It would be a real downer. Hope keeps me fired up for the possibility that it may happen. It gets my penis very hard inside its steel cage even now as I write these words. Hope is essential to this mind fuck. Even though hope is necessary, I also let MK know that she is in control. If she decides to never let me have another orgasm then that is the way it will be. It is her right. I just don’t want to know that she has decided to deny me forever. I want her to keep me guessing. Teasing, making comments about “this could be the night”, edging, grabbing me….when she does these things it keeps that hope alive and she knows it. I stay in a perpetual mode of pre orgasmic bliss that is really fun. All that said, another part of me hopes that I do get to orgasm again with MK. I love the feeling of her cumming at the same time as me, our bodies in perfect sync with each other. Feeling her grip my penis with the insides of her vagina is such a feeling of ecstasy. I would hate to never have it again but again it’s her decision. One of the hardest things for me has been to let go of all my fantasies around orgasm control. It’s still a work in progress but ultimately it has come down to one simple truth. MK will decide if I ever orgasm again and the time and manner in which it happens. Period. I love her for it so much!! I trust her with my life. She has my best interest at heart and she cannot make mistakes because it’s her decisions. There is no manual and I am at her mercy in terms of orgasms and really every other way imaginable as well.