Journals and blogs discussion

Ever since I was around ten, I’ve daydreamed about being sexually overpowered by men or women. My upbringing emphasized that I should “be a man,” so I kept my desires hidden. Somewhere along the way, I decided to adopt a strong, controlling persona with the women I dated. Ironically, when I put them in positions I secretly wished were mine, it aroused me.

About thirty years later, I hired an out-of-town dominatrix to take charge of me, and I absolutely loved it; she even used her strapon and said I had natural instincts for submission. While I keep my submissive nature hidden from most people lately, I’ve become more open about it. I also felt compelled to submit to a dominant male, which happened two years ago when I gave (and took) my first blowjob. Later on, I put out an ad looking for a submissive man who would perform oral sex on me, and I delighted in asserting myself over him, making him whine like a puppy—a role reversal that thrilled me.

I also sought out a female partner eager to be used, finding a gorgeous woman whom I treated roughly until she was satisfied; the experience was deeply gratifying for both of us.

Through all these experiences, I realize I lean slightly more toward submission, though it feels like an even split whether I prefer yielding to women or men. Recently, I connected with a lady advertising for a sissy type; she has me clean her home while naked and spanks me with either her belt or fly swatter as I work.

Another guy from Craigslist was looking for a slave. When we met, the chemistry was so strong that I naturally fell into that role and cherished it. However, my main worry is what others will think if they discover I’m really a bottom at heart; honestly, I’m not entirely certain myself.

I also fret about going to Hell.