Female led relationships discussion

*It feels like everything loops back to this point. In such a specific corner of kink, it shouldn’t be so complex, yet it is. People’s expectations and desires vary, as do their comfort zones and boundaries.

Control; who holds the reins, how much authority is transferred, consent versus non-consent, and does giving control truly matter if the recipient wants it? Cruelty; is withholding what someone wants cruel or merely part of the tease? Is the act of teasing itself cruel? Does humiliation become cruelty when enjoyed? If they enjoy being humbled, would true cruelty mean NOT humiliating them? Is discipline considered cruel if a sub expects it or enjoys it? And can we even call that discipline? Topping from the bottom; is expressing your desires simply telling her what to do? Domme/sub; are they always in dominant and submissive roles, or just during intimacy? If only within sexual contexts, isn’t she merely catering to his desires while remaining truly subordinate? Should a dominant partner feel superior and a sub inferior?

All of this circles back to one answer: it depends. Lol! I’ve been here since 2007 and started participating in 2015, and it really does hinge on your relationship and what each partner is comfortable with. So I’ll share my two cents on the issues above; feel free to add yours.

Control: If you are at ease giving over everything completely to your partner, that path suits you. I am not one of those people. There are specific hard limits I hold firm. 1. My child from a previous marriage—I won’t let my status diminish or our dynamic shift his view of me. I have the final say on decisions concerning him. 2. Financial independence. We both earn well and see no need to merge funds entirely. I am generous and will share, but I refuse an allowance arrangement where someone else dictates how money is spent. Having been married before, finances were central to most disagreements. Yes, I feel I have granted her control; I don’t make the sexual choices, and mostly concede on other matters too. I might not agree with everything or voice my opinion, but she makes the calls. For instance, she loves words in art—signs or prints—and hangs them up. It’s not really my thing. She tries to compromise by getting things I like; I usually admit they look nice but confess I don’t truly love them, especially regarding wall text. She gets upset that I dislike it, yet I reassure her that whatever she chooses is fine and meets her needs. She wanted my input and approval; I gave honesty without full enthusiasm, deciding her approach was best. That works for me. Would I have made a better sub by just saying, “Yes dear, I love it”? I think she would value my honest perspective more than blind agreement.

Cruelty: True cruelty from her would be ignoring me and letting our dynamic fade away. Everything else is part of surrendering control. She wouldn’t inflict torture that hurts in a non-sexual way; there, trust exists. Humiliation and humbling can be appealing, but only when delivered with love, honesty, and discretion. If she were mean-spirited about it, I would feel wounded because I am not worthless, regardless of my size. Presentation and intent matter greatly. If she growled at me, “Fetch the dildo; your cock is pathetic and useless,” I would be hurt. But if she smiled and whispered, “You know this tiny cock can’t satisfy me fully, go get the dildo baby,” I’d feel aroused and delighted by her openness.

Discipline is newer to us. It was a hard limit for me, but since it arouses her, it now arouses me too. One area we haven’t deeply explored is genuine discipline. Oh, she has enforced rules and spanked me when broken, but it wasn’t non-sexual punishment aimed at behavior modification. I’m not even sure she could do that effectively. My pain tolerance exceeds what she can deliver. In fact, a few times when she tried to be firm, my defense mechanism is laughter—I burst into full stomach-churning fits of giggles while bent over with bare skin exposed; the harder she hits, the more I giggle. I imagine if this happened in non-sexual settings and was done without nonsense or playfulness, I wouldn’t laugh so much.

Topping from the bottom: This has been discussed thoroughly…my view is to let her know what turns you on. If she wants those things, she will do them; if not, it wasn’t meant to be.

Domme/sub: For us, this ties into control. I am her sub; her needs come first, and I comply with requests within our boundaries. Yet we are equals as individuals. I hope my opinion matters because part of who I am is being the one she loves. Just because she has the power to command or withhold doesn’t change me as a person. Nor does it mean our dynamic permeates every aspect of life. We might argue; I don’t immediately defer with “Yes, Mistress.” I have my voice and perspective. Could she escalate matters by saying, “No more backtalk! Your tone displeased me,” and then paddle me? Yes. And finally, yes, I feel like the sub despite being the one who granted her control. The fundamental right to say no doesn’t alter that I belong to her. In fact, having the ability to refuse but choosing not to is, in my mind, more submissive than lacking the power to say no.

That seemed to wander a bit. I only started this because I noticed how everything connects and wanted to write down what I think. *