Female led relationships discussion

Research: Fantasizing sexually about your partner helps stop behaviors that hurt relationships By GURIT BIRNBAUM( August 19, 2018

(Photo credit: M-SUR) Sexual desire stands as one of the most powerful forces in human nature; it can bring ecstatic pleasure and a deep bond between partners. However, desire often fades gradually over time as the novelty and mystery that fuel it wear off. A drop in how often people fantasize about their current partner (“dyadic fantasies”) alongside an increase in fantasizing about others (“extradyadic fantasies”) are common signs of this process. Partners look for new sources of variety, at least within their imagination. These fantasies can meet the need for novelty without endangering the relationship. Still, some may highlight existing flaws in the partnership, leading to more dissatisfaction. Research on sexual fantasies has mostly looked at frequency and content variables. For instance, studies show that people often picture themselves as less capable after negative interactions with their couple partner. We know relatively little about how fantasizing impacts the relationship itself. Scholars have recognized that fantasies can act like an aphrodisiac, boosting sexual desire. Yet, relevant literature has been mostly built on clinical observations rather than systematic study and presents conflicting ideas about whether “fantasies training” (guiding partners to create arousing mental images) truly improves relationship health. A recent publication in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin explored how sexual fantasies influence the relational atmosphere. Four studies looked at the relational outcomes of dyadic versus extradyadic sexual fantasies. In Study 1, participants in romantic relationships were told to fantasize sexually about either their partner (dyadic condition) or someone else (extradyadic condition), then describe this fantasy narratively. Afterwards, they rated their desire for sex with their partner and their willingness to do things that would please them. Those in the dyadic group showed a stronger desire for sex and for making their partners happy compared to those in the extradyadic group. Study 2 tried to clarify if the difference in desires came from the positive boost of dyadic fantasizing or the negative pull of extradyadic fantasizing. Researchers added two non-sexual conditions where participants imagined discussing a recent worry with either their partner or someone else. Including these controls also helped rule out the idea that just thinking about one’s partner increases desire for sex and relationship-friendly behaviors regardless of context (sexual vs. non-sexual). Specifically, romantically involved participants imagined one of four scenarios involving sexual or non-sexual activity with either their partner or a non-partner. They then described the scenario narratively and rated their desire for sex and positive non-sexual activities with their partner (like an intimate conversation). Results showed that extradyadic fantasizing did not lower the desire to have sex with one’s partner or engage in other relationship-building behaviors. Instead, dyadic fantasizing raised these desires. The findings also proved that the benefits of dyadic fantasizing were specific to the sexual realm. Study 3 aimed to see if these effects held true in more natural settings. Both members of romantic couples kept a daily diary for three weeks, independently describing their sexual fantasies right after they occurred. Additionally, they reported on positive and negative behaviors defining their relationship that day (e.g., “I told my partner I loved him/her”; “I criticized my partner”) every evening over 21 days. Results revealed participants were more likely to engage in relationship-promoting actions, such as complimenting partners and acting considerately, after fantasizing sexually about them. In contrast, fantasizing about someone else was not linked to either promoting or damaging behaviors. Study 4 investigated why people who fantasize about their partner are more prone to relationship-building actions. For this purpose, both members of romantic couples kept a nightly diary for six weeks, recording the frequency of dyadic fantasies, desire for sex with their partner, positive and negative relational perceptions (e.g., “I felt I have a very valuable relationship today”; “I doubted compatibility between me and my partner today”), and relationship-promoting behaviors. Results showed that fantasizing about one’s partner boosted not just the partner’s appeal but also the perception of the relationship itself, reducing negative views and making the partnership seem more valuable. This enhanced appeal seems to motivate partners to invest further in the connection. Overall, these findings show that even though fantasies occur in an imaginary space, they hold a favorable grip on reality. Merely thinking about sex with one’s partner yields beneficial effects for the relationship, leading to greater sexual desire for current partners and more positive actions toward them. Dyadic fantasizing thus serves as a mechanism for maintaining relationships, helping partners sustain satisfying intimate connections long-term by boosting appeal and inhibiting harmful behaviors. The study, “What Fantasies Can Do to Your Relationship: The Effects of Sexual Fantasies on Couple Interactions”, was written by Gurit E. Birnbaum, Yaniv Kanat-Maymon, Moran Mizrahi, May Recanati, and Romy Orr.