Novices and newbies discussion

How do I begin? My partner is a strong man who has wanted this lifestyle his entire life, and we’ve been in a D/s dynamic for several years. He did some deep introspection to figure out what he needed to address so our relationship could thrive. He managed all of that independently with great effort and success.

I began exploring the lifestyle myself and agreed to step into an FLR role. I was thrilled but also very nervous, lacking confidence in my ability to measure up to everyone here. Unfortunately, I ended up setting myself up for failure because I got in my own way, convinced that I just couldn’t do it. My pace was too cautious; I hesitated to fully step out of my comfort zone, and that caution has been costly.

My man has decided he’s had enough trying this on his own terms. He’s shut down from the kink side, and I believe I’m responsible for that. It was everything he desired, and now I feel like I’ve spoiled it for him. Though I sense he still wants it, he is currently hurting.

Over the last month, I’ve been searching inward to understand what I truly want and why my actions have mattered so much. My self-esteem has grown as my confidence built; surprisingly, all the articles on FLR and D/s finally clicked for me—it was a major revelation. I shared these thoughts with him, showing him what I’d discovered. He thinks it’s attractive and feels that this is exactly where he always knew we were headed, pleased that I’m getting there.

Since knowing my desires clearly and seeing both the opportunities lost and gained, I am resolved to receive and provide what we are owed. However, when I attempt to reintroduce D/s elements, he claims I must earn his respect again, yet he isn’t sure how to define that process.

So here I am in a bit of a bind. If I stay passive, things remain static. But if I push for control and act as the dominant partner I should be, he might reject me outright.

What should I do? I’m uncertain but determined to make this work for us both. Any advice on reshaping our dynamic when you are the one who disrupted it?

He certainly sounds like a complex submissive. However, I am confident that the many experienced dominant women on this site will be able to offer you some solid guidance. Best of luck.

It seems like he is still topping from the bottom regardless of how far you feel you have progressed since the beginning; it appears he remains the one steering the ship. You clearly value him highly—first for entertaining his initial ideas and even more so now as you try to mend what’s been strained. I seriously doubt that he ever truly wanted this lifestyle unless it was tailored precisely to his exacting standards. If your relationship is struggling beyond repair, consider moving on with a new submissive who genuinely desires YOU to lead, or simply return to supporting your existing partner's way of life, hopping from one kink interest to the next. I believe there are other options out there that would value you far more highly. It’s time for you to Take Control of your OWN destiny now.