Journals and blogs discussion

Kink has been a lifelong interest of mine. Even as a young child, watching Disney princesses get kidnapped sparked some strange sensations in me by age five, and those feelings only intensified with time. At first, I believed myself to be a switch—someone who could dom occasionally—but the connection felt different when I was submitting rather than leading. Over time, my dominance waned until it finally clicked: I wasn’t really a switch; I have always been a sub.

During this evolution, I met and befriended someone who eventually became my goddess’s submissive self. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing; we faced rocky beginnings and significant hurdles as we settled into our roles… sometimes not quite as smoothly as we hoped.

Our journey began with lighter play—bondage and teasing—which evolved into playful spanking, then proper spanking, followed by whipping, discipline, and weekly maintenance training… I was having the time of my life through it all.

As we deepened into an FLR (Female Led Relationship), there were more missteps. Communication broke down here and there; sometimes I was too submissive, other times not subservient enough—but with time, our dynamic improved, and I felt a genuine connection to my goddess that made me feel truly alive.

Hearing stories about subspaces and the mental shifts it brings, I gradually began experiencing these changes myself. I learned how to enter it, stay there, and recognize it—it’s one of life’s greatest joys for me.

Eventually, through enough training from my Goddess, I could slip into subspace simply by being collared. A shiver runs through me; I shake, twitch, and sometimes moan as the collar wraps around me. An indescribable wave of complete happiness and contentment floods over me.

But there was still more training ahead. My porn habits were shifting, redirecting my tastes toward what pleases my goddess. Subconsciously, our training aligned my preferences with hers. I stopped watching so much “needy sub fuckhole” material and moved deeper into subservient training and worship.

One of our favorites was a simple video we played repeatedly during training and maintenance sessions. It contained no explicit pornography—no flashing breasts or penises, no strap-ons or handjobs… nothing like the content I used to consume. Instead, it presented an extremely straightforward concept:

A man is kneeling on all fours beside his goddess. His gaze remains low; he doesn’t wiggle for attention. The goddess sits nearby in a nice chair at a coffee table, chatting with another femdom friend who is also seated there. Her slave isn’t pawing her for stimulation or attention but waits patiently for the next command or task, collared and ready for anything she desires from time to time as she places one of her boots within reach for him to hold or kiss delicately in appreciation.

Something about this video shattered my mind.

All I wanted was to be that man, with the woman replaced by my goddess. It represented the final stage of submission—a blend of connection, trust, love, and subservience all rolled into one—as he knew his place forever.

I watched this video often, not just during training but before bed. I dreamed about it, aching for that need to become me. To be so lost in subspace that you never have to surrender yourself because she already has you—whenever she wants.

This is the stage we’ve occupied for the past month or so.

However, there’s always been an undercurrent of tension between us. Part of being in a FLR dynamic involves the massive power imbalance it creates. Sometimes saying no, setting limits, or asking for mercy feels difficult because any pushback can be interpreted as stepping backward within our relationship.