Female led relationships discussion

Hello again, I’ve been wrestling with an issue for quite a while, and reading through the forum hasn’t really clarified it much. I considered splitting this topic into multiple threads or even leaving some parts out. However, describing my problems in German is already difficult enough; doing so by breaking them up feels even harder. So I’ll stick to telling the whole story. The beginning: It all started when I met my first girlfriend. She introduced me to BDSM and later on to chastity as well. Together we explored this wonderful new world, a discovery for both of us. We were united; she was the love of my life. I had never experienced that kind of mutual understanding and trust before, nor have I since. She said she understood that we would do everything for each other. If she had asked me (she probably wouldn’t) to wear a CB forever or live a lifestyle like some here in the forum found for themselves, I would have tried even if it broke me. Everything was just great - until her car accident. A few years later, I met another wonderful girl (today she is one of my very best friends whom I can talk about anything with), and everything seemed fine - up to when we realized that neither of us could adapt to the other’s needs / preferences without losing happiness over a longer period. (I’m not sure what the right English expression is.) That was when I realized that a relationship with a vanilla person wouldn’t work for me anymore. Once I got used to this, I became active in some networks and local ‘communities’ (here it’s called ‘Stammtisch’, but I don’t think the translation ‘regulars table’ fits; it’s just a group of people into BDSM who meet sometimes and have fun together). That’s how I found my last two - let’s call them Mistresses, as calling them ‘partners’ or similar wouldn’t do them justice because these weren’t relationships but merely failures. You met several times, talked a lot, had some fun together, and sometime you decided it could work. Well, it didn’t. Why? That’s what I’m trying to figure out now, which is why I am writing all this. The first one obviously seemed to believe she had to make a statement from the start by bending rules / limits (which we both agreed to) through giving sentence - chastity until you agree to this or that. Hell, what are limits for if you try breaking them right away? The second might have thought being a mistress was about turning ice once the sub agreed to a relationship (it felt like a complete transformation to me), keeping distance and pushing limits too. In the end she called me her wishlist slave. I don’t know if there’s another expression in English, but the term speaks for itself. Actually I found this somewhat funny (in a certain way) as I most certainly might have met her demand given some more time… Those are my experiences thus far and now I am asking myself whether it is false expectations from my part that lead to failure or something else. Usually, starting any relationship feels normal to me, especially BDSM relationships because they seem to be all about trust for me, unfolding somewhat slowly. But as I understand it, that’s mostly Another thing quite normal for me is talking about likes, dislikes and limits before the relationship starts, which seems to be a nogo for most Mistresses even here. Why so? I don’t know. It isn’t as if you are making demands but just trying to find out whether a relationship would have a chance before investing more time and energy. As I don’t know if this is still the question it was intended to become or just a statement, feel free to answer as you wish.