Female led relationships discussion

In previous discussions, I mentioned that my transition into a female dominant role is rooted in past incest and a sense of being unloved by men. I have this tendency to do just about anything for approval and affection, often feeling inadequate until the point where giving up seems easier than trying again. Fortunately, I married an incredibly loving husband who has fully embraced chastity and genuinely wants me to take charge. My dilemma is how to gently encourage myself to be more playful with him. How does one learn to relax and have fun? How can I drop my guard so that playing with him feels as rewarding for me as it does for him? Where do we begin, practically speaking—specifically regarding touch? The concept of teasing bothers me because I hate receiving it; it comes across as cruel. I don’t want to be harsh, yet he desires that edge. When I feel mean, I dislike myself, but my goal is his happiness. Still, a question arises: do I truly want to please him, or am I just seeking validation from my father and brother? Sorry for the complexity; this internal dialogue happens whenever I think about going to bed with my submissive husband. Any advice would be appreciated. xox new one