It was his idea, and four years later I run the house

It was his idea. I put that at the top because people assume the reverse and then start talking to him as though I had done something to him. Fourteen years married, four of them with me running the house and most of what happens inside it, and it began with him asking me, on and off for about six months, until I said yes.

We are forty and forty three, west London, both in ordinary jobs, with a child at home who will never know anything about this and nothing visible anywhere in the house.

What we are looking for is other people who live like this. Not to play with. To have dinner with. We do not know a single other couple where the woman leads, and there is a particular loneliness in being four years into something this significant and never being able to mention it at a family lunch.

The honest state of it: the first year was intense and the three since have been domestic. Most of what I do is decide, and most of what he does is carry it out without being asked twice. From outside it looks like nothing at all. It is the best our marriage has ever been, and neither of us expected the good part to be this boring.

If you are a couple in the same position, or a woman who leads at home and would like somebody to compare notes with, we would both be glad. Not looking for a third person. Not looking for anyone who wants to watch. Not looking for a couple where one of them is being brought along, because we will hear it and we will say so.