My wife found what I had been reading, and I have not written to anyone since

My wife found what I had been reading, about nine years into the marriage, and the conversation that followed is the reason I have spent four years reading boards like this one without ever writing on one. It was not a cruel conversation. It was worse than cruel. She was embarrassed for me and could not hide it.

Forty five, north Jersey, I work in commercial insurance, divorced three years for reasons that were mostly about her career and only faintly about this. Two children, one weekend in two, and those weekends are not moving for anybody.

So what I am carrying is not exactly inexperience. It is the memory of somebody's face. I have written messages and closed the window perhaps two hundred times, and this morning I decided that four years of that is enough.

What I want is a woman who leads, who is not embarrassed by any part of this, and who can tolerate somebody being slow at the start. I do not need to be taught what things are called. I need to be in the same room as a person who does not think it is ridiculous.

Not looking to be reassured constantly, because that is exhausting for the other person and I already know it. Not looking for anything my children would ever have to know about. Not looking for a woman who wants a man with no history behind him, since at my age the ones without a history are the ones to worry about.