What is in my head would make a terrible Tuesday

The thing I have wanted in my head since I was nineteen is not the thing I want in my life, and I have only recently been able to say that out loud. What is in my head is loud and specific and would make a terrible Tuesday. What I want in my life is much quieter, and I do not have good language for it yet.

Thirty, the Bronx, I do maintenance for a school district and I study two nights a week for a licence that would nearly double what I earn. Both of those eat my time and I mention them because they are the honest limits on what I could offer anybody this year.

What I think I actually want is a woman who runs things and expects me to show up for them. Somebody whose opinion of how I am living carries real weight and who is willing to use it. I do not know how much of the loud material would survive contact with a real relationship, and I would rather find that out slowly with somebody honest than build an arrangement around a picture I have never tested.

So this is a post from a beginner with a lot of reading and no practice, which I know is the commonest item on this board. The only thing I can add is that I know the difference between the two, and most of the men writing to you this week have not got there yet.

Not looking for a woman who will hand me the loud version because I asked for it. Not looking for anything that assumes I already know my own preferences in detail. Not looking to spend a year on somebody's patience and then discover I was chasing a picture.